Never Split the Difference - Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It
The book is a condensed vademecum about negotiation, distilled by none other than Chris Voss, acclaimed author and top FBI-guy negotiator for more than 25 years.
Before reading it, I didn’t know if all the buzz about the book was actually
due because it is a breathtaking deep dive in the world of negotiations
or because Chris’ company, “The Black Swan Group” has an amazing marketing
department.
Now, I know it is a little bit of both.
The book is profoundly insightful, especially when it directs the reader into
accepting that conflict is a necessary part of everyday life, or when it spells
loud and clear that a fundamental part of negotiations is to “Know thy
enemy”.
On the other hand, sometimes, it sounds like a giant plug for the consulting
services offered by the author, even more justified by the great relevance that
negotiation has in the business world.
In the end I liked it, but it wasn’t a flowing read as I had hoped it to be.
After a certain point, I wasn’t hungry anymore for the next chapter’s
tricks and examples.
Nine ideas for Negotiation
1. Negotiation is about listening
The author calls it tactical empty, but it’s pretty much a deep exercise of
profound listening.
It’s about showing acceptance and trying to build a rapport with the
counterpart as an act of sincere empathy.
In a typical negotiation, most people are so preoccupied with the arguments they have prepared beforehand that they do not actually listen to what the other is saying.
2. Negotiation is about information gathering
As in all confrontations, in order to gain an edge in negotiations, information is key. All forms of listening are game with the objective of collecting as much data as possibile.
A great focus should be placed on the kind of information that is hidden between the lines (tone, posture, behavior).
3. Negotiation is about labeling, performing accusation audits and mirroring
Labeling
Labeling is a way to validate someone’s emotions by verbally acknowledging them;
it’s about materializing someone’s feelings into words and very smoothly
repeating them as a way to show that we understand and respect their emotions.
Such activity just begins with words like:
- it seems like…
- it sounds like…
- it looks like…
Accusation Audit
Another useful technique is the accusation audit, which consists in listing
every possible argument that the counterpart could say.
Saying it out loud during the negotiation allows you to “call out” the negative
dynamics before they occur.
Mirroring
Finally, mirroring is reiterating and improvising upon important keywords that the counterpart has let on. To mirror, is just important to repeat the last three words of what someone has just said.
4. Negotiation is about getting to “No”
Counter intuitively “No” is just the start of a negotiation, not the end of
it.
A negative answer provides a great opportunity for both parts to clarify
what each really wants, by eliminating the things that each doesn’t want.
Beware though, more often than not, “No” is a temporary measure, used to
maintain the status quo and avoid change.
5. Negotiation is about agreeing on a starting point
This foundation can be reached when the counterpart believes it has been heard, and that you truly understands their position and feelings.
Creating unconditional positive regard (aka “the connection”) opens the door to
changing thoughts and behaviors in the counterpart.
Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior and the more a
person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more
likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.
The way to obtain this “understanding” is by summarizing from this starting point. A good summary restates the content of what has been said along with an acknowledgment of the emotions behind it.
6. Negotiation is about avoiding emotional traps
- Compromise: never compromise, it creates a loss-loss situation for both parties, and can only brew resentment. Compromise only stems from the desire to avoid confrontation, and thus generates a sub-optimal outcome;
- Deadlines: a rushed deal a bad deal by design; deadlines are often self inflicted and imaginary;
- Fairness: decision making is an emotional activity. “Fair” is the most powerful word in negotiations, it can be used as a defending move (I only want what’s fair) or for implicit criticism (I have offered you a fair deal);
7. Negotiation is about asking the “right” questions
That is, calibrated questions or “open ended questions”.
Negotiation should never be a showdown, an arm wrestling match with your
opponent to admit you are right. When people feel attacked they lash out and
create tension in the relationship’s dynamics. Instead, it would be better to
get your counterpart to do the work and come up with the solution by giving them
the illusion of control while creating a momentum in your desired direction.
Simple questions are too quick to answer and create a debt of reciprocity,
whereas you should focus your questions to force the other guy to pause and
actually think about how to solve the problem and to volunteer a solution.
Avoid “can”, “is”, “are”, “do” type of questions as they can be answered in just
a yes or no statement.
Instead, is best to start with “what” and “how”, using them often and very early
on in the negotiation, creating rapport and therefore goodwill.
They allow your issues to be unconsciously internalized by the counterpart, that
will when try and solve your problems.
8. Negotiation is about being reasonably prepared for negotiation
And the author never stresses this enough:
When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation
9. Negotiation is about understating “Black Swans”
A Black Swan is what you don’t know yet and don’t believe to be possibile. It’s information that, when known, completely alters the negotiation and re-frames your expectations and your understanding of its dynamics.
Each side of a negotiations usually has a number of Black Swans that, when uncovered, can be used to multiply your leverage and persuade your counterpart that they have something to lose if there is no deal.
In order to discover a Black Swan, listening is key as it’s important to understand your counterpart, speak their language, understand their religion/beliefs, and their hopes and dreams.
The Ackerman Model
When it comes to haggle a monetary amount, there is a method that can be followed religiously and that consistently delivers results:
- Set a price target for yourself (what you want);
- Put out a first offer at 65% of target, then go to 85%, 95% and 100% of target;
- Make final offer a non-round number, that seems the result of complex calculations
- Then at last moment throw in something else non-monetary (and possibly useless)
to show you are at your limit.
Unexpected conciliatory gestures like this are hugely effective because they introduce a dynamic called reciprocity; the other party feels the need to answer your generosity in kind. They will suddenly come up on their offer, or they’ll look to repay your kindness in the future. People feel obliged to repay debts of kindness.
Book Details
- ISBN: 9780062407801
- Published: 2016
- Pages: 260